Shabbat Shalom

 

Goodness me, the week has passed by so quickly, I can’t believe it’s that time again.

These week I have been having doubts, questioning my integrity and trying to be all things to all people (the latter being something that I try to do a lot, through nobody’s fault but my own).  But shortly, I am switching off and looking forward to a nice Shabbat meal and cosying up on a cold winter evening.  Then tomorrow, the sanctuary of synagogue (and yes, that pun was intended).

I thought I would point you in the direction of a blog.  I’m woefully behind on the Jewish blogging community and don’t have the wherewithall to spend time seeking out the new joiners, but I thought I would share my appreciation of ones that I have particularly enjoyed this week.

Random Thoughts – Do They Have Meaning? - blogged by Jack – I like this blog a great deal.  A (Jewish) man who’s not afraid to write about his feelings, his love for his family, his hopes and fears and if you pop over to his other blogs, you can also get to experience his creative writing skills.  There aren’t many of these men around (in my experience) so go and take a look.  Oh, and he has a nice, wry sense of humour too. Here’s a sample - and here’s another.

(And yes, he has commented on my blog a couple of times this week, but it has nothing to do with my shout-out.  I just like what he writes!)

Only disconnect

 

Do any of you ever feel that you’re not sure what you’re doing?  I mean, do you really know that the path you’re on is the right one?

I’m not bailing out.  But my alter-ego is really giving me some grief. Here’s a bit of how my internal demons are keeping me awake at night:

Me: Great!  Synagogue in two days time and then a class on the history of Judaism.  Really looking forward to that.

The Voice: You know, if you’re not careful, you’re going to turn into one of those people that you think are a bit weird.

Me: And which people are they, may I ask?

The Voice: You know!  The ones who go on about ‘finding their faith’ and saying that such and such a thing happened because G-d directed it.  You do have autonomy in this life, you know.

Me: Yes, I know I do.  And yes, I do still find those people a bit ooky when they go on about it all the time.  I don’t.  Do I?

The Voice: Errr, you know that blog of yours…?

Me: Ah. But. Errmm. Oh no!  Am I really like that? 

The Voice: If you were someone else, listening to you talk or read your blog, what would you think of you?

Me: But I haven’t ‘gushed’ or tried to convert anyone.  It’s that bit that I don’t like.  Oh, and the bit about being in eternal damnation, and the judgemental bit.  I don’t like that and I don’t do that.

The Voice: Why are you doing it?  Do you really believe in it?  Or is it to learn the language and indulge in the history?

Me: Please go away.

I don’t know where this is coming from.  I’m not having doubts.  If someone told me that I would have to stop going to synagogue, being Jewish (albeit in training, I know) I would be devastated.  I am learning to question and discuss all kinds of things I never really used to consider, which is wonderful for expanding the mind.  But I don’t need to question this.  It’s driving me mad.

Yiddish Forward

 

Oh my.  It’s amazing what you find on the internet.  Here’s me thinking that there were no more Yiddish publications around these days – and looky here….

The Yiddish Forward

I studied German at school and I have the Hebrew aleph-bet in my noggin now.  Both these facts are going to help me no end.

How pleased am I?!

The Prime of Yiddish

 

I’d probably been home for half an hour last night before I noticed the little package on the floor next to my side of the sofa (yes, we do sit like bookends at opposite ends, doesn’t everyone?!).  After a few weeks and a ‘we sent it a while ago, it must have gone missing’ drama, my book ‘The Prime of Yiddish’ by David Passow had finally arrived.

Now, don’t take this to mean that I had been organised enough to search it out and order it – this was all the work of my other half, who is enjoying my Jewish journey by proxy and helping me expand my Jewish library.  When the search was underway for this book, we found out that the author is actually a friend’s father (more my partner’s friend than mine, I must admit).  The surname is quite unsual (we think) but it’s still a lovely coincidence. 

Talk about a family of over-achievers – the author was (he’s retired now, I think) a faculty member at the Martin Buber Center for Continuing Education at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and Emeritus Professor of History and Jewish Thought, Gratz College, Philadelphia.  At one time he was also Executive Secretary of the YIVO Institute for Jewish Research.  And his son – a world-famous photographer! 

So, here’s a link to David Passow’s book which explores the rise and decline of Yiddish in the Diaspora. I’m on Chapter III right now, wishing I could delve in to a non-existent Yiddish newspaper.

Menorah

 

I bought a menorah yesterday!  It’s not a traditional one, it’s not a modern-style one, it’s not a travelling one, it’s not a Jerusalem-themed one.

In fact, it probably isn’t meant to be a menorah at all.

But, it does have nine places for nine candles.  And th first time I saw it, I knew it would be right for me.

So, the question is, if the maker of it didn’t intend it to be a menorah, is it OK for me to make it a menorah?

Answers on a postcard, please!

***

Breaking news… Here’s a picture of said ‘menorah/chanukiyah’ – thank you Ilana for helping me ’see the light’ (haha!).

You can actually line it up so that all the branches are in a row – in fact you can do with it what you will, except probably make a cup of coffee, do the washing, ironing, cleaning etc etc…

I like it, anyhow.

For most of it I have no words

 

This is a quote from Edward R. Murrow’s broadcast for CBS when he visited Buchenwald shortly after it was liberated.  You can listen to the broadacast here on YouTube.

A haunting book with the title above is by Simon Norfolk – see it here and on his website.

I’m having one of those days today.  I could rant on many topics and at the end of the day, as Edward R Murrow said – ‘for most of it I have no words’.  Sometimes, I feel so powerless.

But as it’s that time of year again, perhaps I should point you towards this and this instead. 

May their memory be for a blessing.

In the beginning…

 

So, as we know, we begin the cycle of Torah reading once more, with B’reishit.  A new beginning.

This year and last (5768 and 5769) have been full of changes for me.  That’s why I am here right now, writing this to you, out there.  After a bit of a check-in with the Rabbi, she has advised that now I have mastered the basics of Hebrew (and I mean, basics!), I should start studying the Siddur that we use.  Our Siddur has the Hebrew (complete with vowels etc) on one side, with English translation on the other.  So, I will.

However, what I would really like (and call me ambitious, but this is how I am) is to also get a copy of the Torah with Hebrew with vowels, together with Hebrew without (ie, as it is in the scroll).  Last week, I found out about something called a Tikkun (yes, as in ‘repair’) that is used fro studying by those who get to read the portion in synagogue on Shabbat.  Any ideas where I could get something like this, anyone?

Back to this week’s portion.  Both Chavi and IlanaDavita have things to say about the first letter of the first word of B’reishit – very interesting and I’m sure many other bloggers have commented on the same thing!

Well, this is one tired blogger signing off for the week. 

שבת שלום

The Lobster Quadrille***

 

Or more appropriately…

“Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?”

No, I haven’t lost the plot.  I’ve just organised my return appointment with the Rabbi to see whether she will let me join the community and proceed to conversion. 

This is a big deal.

I have no idea what to expect, truth be told.  I know it’s not automatic that she will welcome me with open arms.  I know that in the weeks gone by and the weeks to come before our appointment, I may have done/will do something to make her think ‘hmmmm… not so sure about this one…’ but to be honest, if it is something I have done already that causes a problem, then I can’t change that now.  Of course, I could have gone to synagogue more (but I’ve been most Shabbats gone by) and I couldn’t make any of the High Holy Day services due to work (this year, anyway).  But I have done what I can, when I can and I would like to think, with a sincerity of heart.  Next year, I will do more.  Quality over quantity!

I will do my best not to engage in the ‘what if’ process that I am terribly good at putting myself through.  I can’t know now what is going to happen in a few weeks time.

But I will be glad in many ways when I can post on here in a few weeks time with the outcome.

*** For the uninitiated, The Lobster Quadrille is a poem from Lewis Carroll’s ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’.  The title of this post is a recurring line in the poem. 

Do you like the irony, lobster not being kosher?!

To lighten the mood

 

A little…. kvetch?

 

Today, I’m feeling dissatisfied.  Perhaps it’s because I’m tired (early starts, hard days, late arriving home, going to the gym, studying - it all adds up).  Perhaps it’s because the more I do, the more I want to do, and I know that there are only so many hours in the day.  Perhaps I’m feeling old.  Perhaps I wish I’d had more focus in my life, earlier on.  Perhaps I’m not eating the right food (5 fruit and veg a day – really?).  Perhaps it’s the short autumn days dragging me down.

Whatever the reason, I’m in the mood for a kvetch.  And really, that is such a descriptive word – it sounds like the activty I have embarked upon.  I’ve been taking a little visit to a few new-to-me blogs and I feel like my brain is in poor shape compared to these witty, expressive, knowledgeable, imaginative people.  One of them at least can’t be more than in her early 20s and her blog is mature (in time since it started), mature (in outlook), varied, thoughtful, delightful… you name it, all the things I feel I am not, right now. 

So, The Curious Jew, I bow to your blog – I adore it.  And. I. Am. So. Jealous.  You are now on my blogroll.  And if I have over- or under-estimated your age, forgive me.  

This really is a ‘poor me’ post.  I don’t indulge in such pastimes very often, believe me.  However, a dangerous occupation of mine if I am in that frame of mind is to indulge in the ‘If I Had My Life (So Far) Over Again, What Would I Do?’ game.

So, here goes – a few of my main ’sticks to beat myself with’:

Go to Heythrop College and enroll in the BA in Abrahamic Religions 

Or, for a more high-octane truly beat myself up indulgence, go to Leo Baeck College and do this

Or, failing those options, really push my tutor at university to get my final exams re-assessed and upgraded to a better final result – I didn’t take the opportunity at the time in my real past.

Investigate my family’s past whilst my Nan was still alive. 

You know, I could go on, really I could.  But actually, what would it achieve, other than make me miserabl(er).  (I know the word doesn’t exist, but it looks amusing).

Am I questioning my current path in life?  Hell, no.  My path towards Jewish life is turning into an even more wonderful experience than I had appreciated.  I have managed to find a Rabbi and a community that is all and more than I could have wanted.  I am learning so much, expanding my mind, thinking about so many issues, questioning (in my head, if not always out loud, quite yet), exploring, being.  But all this mind-expanding does have a down-side.  I have not wasted my life, by any stretch of the imagination.  And I am very happy personally.  But I can see very clearly that if I had been able to be a bit more focussed, I would be much, much further down the road in my spiritual advancement. 

At this point, those who know me best will probably want to shake me.  My gym trainer has me pegged – we started a new routine last week and I was a little uncoordinated on some of the moves.  It drove me insane.  He saw my frustration, smiled and said ‘You’re not supposed to be able to do it perfectly first time!’

I guess that’s life, nu?

Normal service will be resumed shortly.